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Human Rights  » How to Deal With Difficult People Part 2 - The Bully

How to Deal With Difficult People Part 2 - The Bully

Sixty-four year old Bill was a married retired executive who

sought anger management help on the insistence of his wife Ann.

After 24 years Ann could no longer tolerate his bullying

behavior toward her, their children, and their friends. He would

often relate in an insulting, "get in your face" way using a

loud, intimidating voice that frightened her.

She often felt like a little girl who was being scolded. He gave

her orders with no thought for her feelings or how others were

reacting to his behavior. If he did not get his own way, he

would often pout or withhold needed finances from her.

Tactics Of The Adult Bully

As this case illustrates, emotional bullying occurs when someone

tries to gain control by making others feel angry or afraid. It

is often characterized by yelling, name-calling, sarcasm,

mocking, putting down, belittling, embarrassing or intimidating.

Ann said that they had no friends because of Bill's behavior. He

was forced into early retirement by his company due to

alienation of upper management.

Bullies Often Have Personality Disorder

Like many bullies, Bill had a deep sense of insecurity about

himself. He completely lacked empathy or the ability to perceive

how he was negatively affecting others.

He honestly didn't see himself as the problem and was constantly

in dismay when others around him were devastated or offended by

his behavior. Bill had what is known as a "narcissistic"

personality disorder. He was only capable of interpreting events

from his perspective. Pre-occupied with himself , he had little

regard or understanding of the feelings of others.

Can Bullies Change?

While research shows that most bullies are unable to make deep

changes to their personality, they are sometimes able to modify

their behavior to the extent that they are more tolerable.

Usually, the motivation to change is inspired by outside

influences such as employers, spouses, or children. Bill, for

instance, desperately wanted his wife back as he truly loved her

to the extent he was able to experience love. Other bullies we

have seen in anger management classes decided to change at the

threat of losing their job. Jim, a line supervisor in a chemical

plant, fell into this category.

The Case of Jim

An "old-school" manager, Jim often yelled and threatened

employees to motivate them to produce more, thinking his

behavior would be seen as positive by the company executives.

Unfortunately, too many employees complained, resulting in his

being referred to Human Resources for intervention. Turns out,

Jim didn't want to be seen as a bully, had no awareness others

were seeing him that way, and most certainly didn't want to lose

his job of over 25 years.

Thus, he was highly motivated to acquire more effective skills

to relate to employees while still maintaining a high rate of

production.

He did well in anger management as he learned our tools of anger

control- particularly the tool of "empathy" which includes

increased social awareness (seeing how he is coming across to

others) as well as more sensitivity to the feelings of others.

Unfortunately, not all bullies are as responsive to intervention

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as Jim was. Many bullies remain bullies because they don't see

themselves as the problem. In this case, you may have to learn

how to cope with their behavior, if you are in an unfortunate

situation such that you need to continue to be with them but

survive.

Four Ways To Cope

* Focus on the positive attributes of the bully and try to

ignore the negative parts. For instance, Bill had a very sweet

and generous side to him when not being a bully - a side Ann

could learn to focus on to survive the unpleasant times.

* Be confident and look your bully in the eye. Speak in a calm

and clear voice while asserting yourself by naming the behavior

you don't like and state what is expected instead.

* Create a distraction or change the subject. Try using humor or

a well chosen word to disarm the bully.

* Give the bully's ego what it needs. For instance, Ann learned

to praise Bill more and give him more credit and acknowledgement

for things he did do well. While this tactic is a little

manipulatory, it nevertheless worked well to decrease the number

of times Bill bullied her. And it allowed Ann to survive a

difficult situation.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.

About the author:

Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed

psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The

Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs,

training and products to individuals, couples, and the

workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The

Anger Bee" at www.angercoach.com